Jessica Moe

So, here is my first post. I feel as though I should break a bottle of champagne on the computer screen or something! My dear friend Chris was kind enough to set up this little corner of the internet so that I might spill my deepest, darkest secrets for the infinite memory of the internet. Seems a bit daunting when I put it that way.

The truth is, this is going to be a real challenge. I have a big problem when it comes to stuff like this because I am always concerned that what I am writing isn’t intellectual enough, witty enough, interesting enough for pubication…. I have this deep, dark fear that the inner, boring bimbo is lying in wait for just such a moment to make herself known.

Ok, as Kate would say…my neurosis is showing!

I suppose, if I am going to get deeply psychoanalytic… this fear of being revealed for the intellectual fraud that I fear I am may very well be rooted in my early family dynamics. My brother was always touted as being the smart one. I was smart but he was just really gifted. He had a difficult time in life because he was so gifted….and because my brother always has these intensely philosophical and random sorts of offbeat things going on, he draws such a crowd of interest. I, on the other hand, feel chronically and terminally unoriginal.

Well, I guess that’s not deeply psychoanalytic…deeply psychoanalytic might be that my fear of the unoriginal post is linked to a feeling of inadequacy, sexually…of course! Or maybe…just maybe even a fear of the male phallus…hmmm

I guess the truth lies somewhere in between there. My mom and my brother have always had this special connection on all things introspective. I, on the other hand, take a more observational perspective…picking up every minute detail of personality and character in other people…to the neglect of attention to my own “self”. It takes me a while to figure out what my “likes” and “dislikes” are, I don’t have a particular hairstyle that defines me, a particular fragrance that I wear, a particular style of dress…I don’t really even have a ‘signature’ anything…

Part of me is ok with this. I am even wondering now, as I write this, if it is not a relatively intentional adaptive mechanism of mine to remain sort of neutral, so as to not pigeon-hole myself, so that I may blend with a variety of people…it’s like auger, I am just a base on the outside, what will grown on me really ultimately depends what bacteria I am exposed to…and by ‘bacteria’ I do mean people.

I kind of like this analogy. The question is, what about the other part that isn’t ok with having a ‘signature’ something? I think what it comes down to is that I can reasonably assume that I do, in fact, have a signature (and hopefully it’s not bad breath or B.O)…but that we are not aware of our own hallmarks in the ways that other people are. In other words, all of the above listed fears are sheerly internal and have no external basis whatsoever.

Well, I am not quite sure where this is going but at least I got that out there. It kind of speaks to my need for perfection in this area….it’s really kind of an insecurity.

So, I guess this new enterprise of mine, the whole…”blogging” thing will be good for me. I am just going to commit to taking the time to type and post…even if I don’t have anything like the cure for cancer or the latest underground angst-ridden music to discuss…or even if I don’t have the gall to write a poem and post it…At the very least I can type about the everyday nothings of my life and make my permanent mark on the pallet of the internet.

Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jessica